Little Wolf's World

As the High Holy Days approach I made my annual pilgrimage this weekend to 'visit' my father. For some reason this year I have been taken the mild stones of the year harder. It has been 34 years so it is not a special year anniversary, or birthday for me.

I posted on his Yahrzeit this year and it was, for some reason, a very sad feeling that I approached that anniversary this year. Now, with the High Holy Days right around the corner I found the visit to the cemetary to be rather mornful this year. My mother, for what ever reason, made a point of making sure I remembered his birthday this year. I have looked at that damn headstone for most of my life, with my mother next to me, and for the first time she pressed me to learn his birthday. It somehow seemed to be important to her, and for some reason, to me this year when it has never really mattered in the past.

Part of my problem this year is that I am feeling like I missed something on the 'front end' of my life. My father died when I was fairly young and I didn't have any of those 'educational' experiences that most boys have a a fathers side growing up. My wife and I were discussing it on the way home from the cemetary, her home life was not always the most stellar in life. (Something you may have picked up on if you've been following the madness of the posts on her family, of which there is more coming.)

I think another of the things that is bothering is that I am not, and unless I make a relationship change, will not be a father myself. this has bothered me for a long time as I am the last of my family. I have no full siblings and no cousins with the same last name. My grandfather had 2 brothers and a sister. Both of the brothers had no children, and the sister had one child, but the child, obviously, had a different last name. My grandfather and grandmother only had 2 children my father and my aunt. My aunt had children, but again, different last name. And I am my fathers only child.

I also think a lot of my emotionalness this year has to do with the situation with my wife. She has been out of work for the better part of this year for medical reasons. The lack of her working has put added pressure on me, additionally her medical issues have also put pressure on me to provide a certain measure of care and support that can be very draining. This has put me in a situation where I don't always feel that I can 'feel' what I am feeling. (I think I am babbling)

To get back to the point of this whole babble. My general feeling is that for the reasons above, and others I seem to be a little mentally out-of-sorts the last couple of weeks. I think it all began when we put my baby(one of our cats) to sleep do to an extended illness. It just seems to have invaded a lot of other areas of my thinking.

Sorry for this babble, I know most readers probably are board, but it has put a couple of things in perspective.